Category Archives: Humor
Hubby Hahas: Motivation to get out of bed
Last week I was having a really mopey day. This is how my hubby motivates me to stop moping and get out of bed…
(Muppet is our dog’s name, in case you were confused.)
Today is our 11th wedding anniversary. Visit this post from our last anniversary for links to all of my “hubby” posts including 2 “Hubby Chats” vlogs where you can learn useless crap about us like, how we met, our first date, and other stuffs.
(Stuffs is plural on purpose. Cuz it’s fancy.)
What motivates you to get out of bed?
I Make Myself the Queen is an itty-bitty newborn blog. Please be gentle with it, wash your hands before touching it, and be sure to come back often to tell it how cute it is!
Read my family blog www.coolestfamilyontheblock.com where I pretend to be a good mom.
Amy Glass confused me, but I’m probably too stupid to know any better
I love a good viral drama and this has been the best/worst one since Miley at the VMAs! There’s an article about SAHMs and feminism that was published by Amy Glass this month called I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands And Kids And I’m Not Sorry and people are TICKED about it.
I’ve read it, and quite frankly, it confused me.
Every time I hear someone say that feminism is about validating every choice a woman makes I have to fight back vomit…
I can’t say that I know a whole lot about feminism. Just to be sure that it isn’t all about burning bras and hairy armpits; I turned to the dictionary for a definition.
fem•i•nism
noun \ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm\
: the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities
: organized activity in support of women’s rights and interests
That’s the Merriam-Webster definition. There may be a different definition in some fancy smart people dictionary that I’m unaware of because I don’t have a college degree. According to this, the definition of feminism is “…men and women should have equal rights and opportunities” and “…support of women’s rights and interests.”
In my ignorance I would’ve assumed that meant that the rights and interests of women should be supported, whatever they may be, including the interests of marriage, children, and homemaking. But that’s not the case. The work force is broccoli and homemaking is junk food. It doesn’t matter if you like junk food better, clearly broccoli is better for you. And no, you cannot eat both broccoli and junk food, there simply isn’t enough room. Broccoli is far superior to junk food, so we should all eat that tasty-tasty equal opportunity broccoli and frown upon those who do not.
Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same.
I’ve never really thought about my footing much, or my feet for that matter. I only have two feet. I assume that is an equal number of feet when compared to the majority of the female population. But I don’t mind if career women have feet superior to my own. I probably can’t afford the shoes they wear anyway.
“Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average?”
I never knew it was so easy to get, ahem, “knocked up”. There was lots of banging on the door and looking through the peephole, but it still took me over 4.5 years, progesterone suppositories, and Clomid to get properly “knocked up” with my two kids. Perhaps I should’ve taken it as a sign that my place was not at home. I should’ve realized that I had an obligation to society to get a career. I thought one of the purposes of vaginas was to make babies, but I was wrong. Vaginas are for super smart people stuff like going to medical school and becoming a doctor that can do important stuff like perform brain surgery, over medicate the masses, and deliver babies. Oh. Wait. Maybe not that last one so much.
It’s really surprising that marriage equality is such a popular issue. After reading Ms. Glass’ article I can see that marriage is holding us back as a society. Serious people would never bother falling in love.
And ya know, Ms. Glass is right about how easy it is to find a life partner. It’s a snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy. (But I’m just quoting “You’ve Got Mail”. Because I don’t have a job and I’m incapable of having a unique thought of my own).
“If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing?”
Wait, there’s supposed to be applause? AWESOME!
I don’t think I necessarily deserve any, but I’m a former thespian, so I’m kind of an applause-whore.
Go ahead and Clap it up, mutha-luvas!
“I want to have a shower for a woman when she backpacks on her own through Asia, gets a promotion, or lands a dream job not when she stays inside the box and does the house and kids thing which is the path of least resistance.”
Ms. Glass has some pretty cool friends and I think that she should totally throw them some parties for their awesome accomplishments! 🙂
But now I’m wondering if I should bother ever celebrating birthdays again.
I mean, birthdays are mundane and average and require no skill or effort. Getting older is the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. For reals.
“I hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments.”
Oh, I love to complain about the kids, the housework, the husband, the weather, the slow internet connection. In general I just really enjoy complaining. Because I’m a pessimist. Which is probably why I don’t have any friends. But that’s fine because then I can complain about that too.
I’m not a big fan of secrets, so I’ll just tell you now that I’ve accomplished nothing in life, mostly because I spend most of my time binge-watching tv shows on Netflix. The most intellectual thing that I’ve ever done was to successfully follow the plot-line of LOST.
“Men don’t care to “manage a household.” They aren’t conditioned to think stupid things like that are “important.”
This part gets me the most excited! I didn’t realize how unimportant housework is. Which is awesome, because, well, I hate doing it. Now if we stop balancing the checkbook, making trips to the grocery store, and cleaning the house, that’ll leave more time for Netflix marathons.
Wait. Did I say we? I meant me, because obviously my husband would never do any of those stupid, unimportant things.
So, hey, down with housework!
The laundry can go F itself, because I’m never going to F it again!
Fold, that is.
“Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back.”
I’m confused again. What is “real” work? Is the only requirement that you get paid for doing it? If so, does that mean it’s important for custodians, maids, and housekeepers to scrub toilets, but not stay-at-home-moms? Or is housework so stupid that it means their jobs are unnecessary because housework in any form will always be unimportant? That’s going to be a huge disappointment to pretty much every character on Downton Abbey.
I wonder if Ms. Glass does her own housework or if she has a maid?
Actually, she probably has some kind of self-cleaning house that was invented by a really important engineer. How cool is that?!
I don’t know why so many people are offended by Ms. Glass’ article. She’s doing the world a great favor by letting us off the hook in regards to housework. The next time there is a huge pile of dirty laundry and my husband doesn’t have any clean underwear I can just tell him, “The feminist said that housework is stupid, so you’re going to have to get used to wearing dirty underwear like I’ve already been doing for the past 4 years!” That is, if he allows me to speak, of course.
No. I’m not offended, angry, hurt, or upset by anything she said.
I am mostly amused and thoroughly confused.
You may refuse to excuse the language that she used,
but she’s entitled to her opinion and shouldn’t be abused!
(I apologize. Sometimes I subconsciously throw down a sweet-sweet rhyme because I read way too much Dr. Seuss.)
Honestly, what Amy Glass thinks of stay-at-home-moms and moms in general really isn’t that important to me, because I’m probably too stupid to understand what she’s trying to say anyway. My overuse of hashtags in graphics as an attempt at humor is proof enough of my limited thinking ability.
I’m off the hook anyway since she was specifically referring to “young” wives and moms and I aged out long ago.
What a ridiculously average thing for me to do!
Clap it up in the comments, mutha-luvas!
*If you’re looking to go viral, talking smack on SAHMs is a sure fire way to get a ton of hits and tens of thousands of venomous comments. Well played, Ms. Glass, well played.
I’ve had some trouble with the link breaking to the original article. If you can’t get the links to work, try copying and pasting this into your browser.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/amy-glass/2014/01/i-look-down-on-young-women-with-husbands-and-kids-and-im-not-sorry/
I Make Myself the Queen is an itty-bitty newborn blog. Please be gentle with it, wash your hands before touching it, and be sure to come back often to tell it how cute it is!
Read my family blog www.coolestfamilyontheblock.com where I pretend that I’m a good mom.
I was featured on More Than Mommies!
***This post is linked to Time for Mom / SITS Sharefest
TV Show Dream Roles
This week one of Mama Kat’s vlog prompts is…
2.) If you could have a role on a TV show, which show would you choose?
I’ve actually auditioned to be in a few really popular tv shows. Watch the video to see my audition tapes.
(Video here)
I really have no idea why I didn’t get any of the roles that I auditioned for. Clearly I’m amazing.
How did I not get cast as one of the Crawley ladies of Downton?
You’d think that I would’ve been a shoe-in for Cora, the only American character on the show, but no…
I can only assume that I didn’t get cast as Edith because I’m not ugly enough. I actually think the actress is lovely, but I couldn’t go to work everyday with people telling me, “Now remember, you’re a dog face and no one will ever love you, okay?” without laughing in their face and saying, “Is the audience really buying this because I’m super hot. Sort of.”
Lady Mary is a kind and gentle soul compared to what a witch I can be, but I could fast for a month and not have the waifish figure of the actress they chose. Fine by me, ’cause I like to eat me a pan a brownies every now and again. Or once a week. A role on a popular tv show isn’t worth the sacrifice.
Why I wasn’t cast as Lori on The Walking Dead is beyond me. Anyone can run around incessantly screaming “Carl!”. I must not have been annoying enough (my husband would beg to differ). Or maybe I just didn’t look adulterer-y enough.
I don’t think the casting directors liked my take on Maggie and Glenn’s tryst in the Pharmacy. But I’m a lyrical gangsta and sometimes I just gotta lay down some sweet, sweet rhymes. They cannot be contained.
Another way not to get cast in a tv show is to constantly question the character’s poor decision making skills. They probably didn’t appreciate me taking a red pen to the script every time Andrea got romantically involved with yet another psycho. Oh honey, just, no…
This one confuses me the most. How could I not land the role of Michonne when I obviously have such mad ax-wielding skills?! I know she carries a sword, but it couldn’t be that much different, right?
Maybe they changed their minds about me when they saw that I brought my mom along to the audition so that she could cut my meat for me during lunch break. Oh well.
Go check out what the other vloggers are up to or make your own video and link up at:
Mama Kat’s Vlog Workshop
This post is linked to: SITS Sharefest
If you could have a role in a tv show, which show would you choose? Are you a fan of Downton Abbey or The Walking Dead? Let me know in the comments!
*Why I’m not a Movie Star Ballerina Princess (Vlog)
I Make Myself the Queen is an itty-bitty newborn blog. Please be gentle with it, wash your
hands before touching it, and be sure to come back often to tell it how cute it is!
Read my family blog www.coolestfamilyontheblock.com
The year is new and so are these vlogs…
So, it’s a new year and these are my first vlogs of 2014. Amazing stuff here, people. Eight and a half minutes of pure whatever.
The first two videos are Mama Kat vlog prompts and the last one is a Mommy TMI.
New Year’s Tag 2014
(Video here)
Dollar Store Haul: Ugly Christmas Sweater
(Video here)
Mommy TMI 01/07/2014
(Video here)
Go check out what the other vloggers are up to or make your own video and link up at:
*Mama Kat’s Vlog Workshop
*Mommy TMI with More Than Mommies.
I Make Myself the Queen is an itty-bitty newborn blog. Please be gentle with it, wash your
hands before touching it, and be sure to come back often to tell it how cute it is!
Read my family blog www.coolestfamilyontheblock.com
Twitter made me do it!
One of Mama Kat’s vlog prompts this week was:
Ask Facebook what you should make a video about and do it!
…but I kinda-sorta, accidentally asked Twitter instead.
If you’re a blogger that hasn’t been living under a rock, then you probably know that the BlogHer blog conference was in Chicago last weekend. Last Friday I stumbled upon a Twitter party #HomeCon13 for those of us that weren’t lucky enough to attend BlogHer this year. Being my usual awkward self I started rambling about dancing the Roger Rabbit and wearing onesies. Within a few minutes I was convinced that I needed to make a vlog dancing the Roger Rabbit, preferably while wearing a onesie. (There’s screencap/Storify proof of the convo below, but the image is huge, so I’m going to post the video first.)
(Watch on YouTube)
I really am truly very, very sorry that you had to see that!
WordPress.com is a butt face about embedding certain things, so I had to make screencaps of everything. However, if you click through the image you’ll be taken to the prettier Storify version.
[View the story “Jenn Rian at #HomeCon13” on Storify]
And after all of the hard work to put that together, it’s still too small for you to read 😦
You can see a recap of ALL the #HomeCon13 fun by reading @JennSmthngClv‘s Storify here.
Many other #HomeCon13 attendees have written recap posts from their perspective. I was going to link to them, but to save me some time and sanity I’d instead like to invite them to leave their links in the comments 🙂
Thanks to Tracy (CrazyAsNormal) from Crazy as Normal for letting me know that today…
I win the internet! My plan is working…muhuwahahahaha! Next step: World Domination!
The onesie plays, people. The onesie plays.
Have you ever attended BlogHer?
Did you attend #HomeCon13?
Do you know how to do the Roger Rabbit?
Do you own an adult onesie?
Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to check out the other vloggers at Mama Kat’s vlog workshop!
More Onesie Funsies:
*The Origin of the Onesie
*Prance off the Pounds: Prancercise Parody
I Make Myself the Queen is an itty-bitty newborn blog. Please be gentle with it, wash your
hands before touching it, and be sure to come back often to tell it how cute it is!
Read my family blog www.coolestfamilyontheblock.com
How to be socially awkward at blogging events
Do you find new blog followers everywhere you go? Are people drawn to your sparkling personality and witty conversation? Are you the life of every party?
Would you like it to stop? If you’d like to make less friends and leave a questionable impression on everyone you meet, then follow these helpful tips.
(Watch on YouTube)
The video and the post are different. Sorry to inform you, you are going to have to both read and watch. 😉
How to be socially awkward at blogging events
1. Find out about the event the day before.
The last thing that you need is more time to be properly prepared so make sure that you find out about the event at the last minute. Having other plans before your event is also great for helping you feel rushed and unprepared.
(When Crazy Meets Exhaustion vlogs and I find out about the Scary Mommy Meet and Greet.)
2. Do not get adequate sleep the night before.
It’s best to be totally exhausted so that you’re really off your game and you have (even more) huge dark circles and bags under your eyes. Personally I like to go to bed at 4:30am and then wake up at 7:00am the next morning.
3. Make a last minute trip to the store.
If you’re going to an event where you have the opportunity to have an author sign something for you and then realize you don’t have a physical book for them to sign you may as well take an hour or so to go buy the book. Make sure that the trip makes you run late so that you barely have time to change your clothes before the event.
4. Bring a tiara.
Carry a tiara in your bag, make sure that it’s visible and that everyone can see it.
Don’t take it out and don’t mention it. Also it helps to carry around a pair of cute but very large shoes that have mud on them from your trip to the park earlier that day.
5. Dress inappropriately.
If everyone else is rocking a cute sundress you should totally shroud yourself in dark clothing, wear flip-flops, and try your best to resemble a 12 year old hippie-ninja wearing pajamas.
Also, be short. Really short.
Me, Christine, Stephanie, Jill, Janene, Meredith, Amanda
6. Make a poor underwear selection.
I’m not just talking about pantylines. Wear something that bunches, creeps, and rides up. Just when someone finds you remotely interesting, slink away and attempt to discreetly pull the underwear from your crack. Repeat 35 times.
7. Be certain the photographer only takes bad photos of you. No, I mean really, really bad photos.
Preferably when you’re in the middle of nervously crossing and uncrossing your legs.
(Source of unedited photo)
8. Sweat like a pig and incessantly fan yourself.
Upper lip sweat is particularly great for making you feel more uncomfortable. Find a program, a postcard, or something similar and fan yourself furiously.
9. Make friends with a lamp.
Just when the conversation is starting to get good, step aside and begin standing awkwardly next to a lamp as though it is your best friend.
10. Ramble about a different blogger.
When a famous blogger is signing your book start rambling about how much you love a different blogger. “I love Kat. I read her blog all the time. She’s so funny. She’s my best friend, except not really. I am not a stalker.”
11. BONUS! Talk smack on your own blog.
Also, when talking to other bloggers be sure to badmouth your own blog, “My blog is small. No one reads it. I don’t even write on it anymore. Everything is stupid. I hate the world.”
Don’t tell them the name of your blog and don’t give them your business card.
(Source of unedited photo)
Even though I felt like a socially awkward weirdo, all of the other bloggers were great and assured me that I “did just fine” (Code for: It’s awkward enough without talking about how awkward it is. Please change the subject.).
I want to give a special shout-out to Femme Frugality that had the misfortune of witnessing me accidentally rub my booty all over the food table and then crack a lame joke about sitting on a stack of plates. My apologies.
(You can also see the awkward encounter I’ve imagined if I ever met Kat in person here)
As if I didn’t embarrass myself enough the first time, I’m going to be attending a local blogger Meet and Greet on July 19, 2013. This event is at Ikea, so I’m going to be really busy making friends with lamps, but I’m sure I can make a little time for you if you’d like to experience this train wreck in person.
Where will Jenn be acting like an idiot in 2014?
Come watch it happen in person! 🙂
I Make Myself the Queen is an itty-bitty newborn blog. Please be gentle with it, wash your
hands before touching it, and be sure to come back often to tell it how cute it is!
Read my family blog www.coolestfamilyontheblock.com